A while back, XXXchurch ran a survey asking people why they turn to porn. Overwhelmingly, a large percentage of the answers stated “because they’re lonely” as a driving factor.
When we’re talking about the kind of lonely that drives us to porn though, it’s typically not the kind that comes from living in isolation. The majority of us have people in our lives—friends, co-workers, partners—whom we’re around on a daily basis. We’re by no means “alone,” yet for some reason, we’re still lonely.
But what if this loneliness so many of us experience isn’t due to a lack of being around anyone but from a lack of being known by anyone?
Every one of us was created with a deep need for intimacy—to be fully known and fully loved. We need to know that someone actually desires to be with the real, honest, messed-up, broken version of our truest self.
For many of us though, that’s not the reality we live in. And as a result, we’re desperately lonely. Worse yet, the very thing we’re doing to fix that loneliness is only making the problem worse.
There’s a good chance you’re here because you struggle with an unwanted desire for porn. It’s also likely you’re coming from a background where you’ve been taught that porn is “bad” and you “shouldn’t” desire it.
These two realities probably mean you don’t feel safe being honest about your struggles.
That was my story, and my solution was to hide every aspect of my life that wasn’t perfect (like my porn addiction) from the people around me so they would still love and accept me.
Sure, my friends may have enjoyed being with “good-Christian-Steve,” my family may have been proud of “successful-family-man-Steve,” and my wife may have loved “faithful-Steve-who-wasn’t-cheating-on-her,” but if any of those people got to know the real me, they’d reject me in a heartbeat. Or so I thought. The result, sadly, was that no matter how much anyone tried to love me, I knew they were only loving fake versions of me that didn’t exist. The real me was hidden away where no love could ever reach it, parched with a loneliness that was never being quenched.
This is where porn becomes so enticing for those who are lonely, because it offers you the feelings of being loved, accepted, and desired, and it feels as if those desires are meant for the real you. Subconsciously, I knew the women on the screen were aware of my porn addiction (after all, they knew I was looking at them, right?), yet they still wanted to be with me. In a twisted way, it seemed like they were the only ones who were offering intimacy to the real me.
The most sinister part was that I began to crave the affection of pornography more than relationships with real people. I would turn down opportunities with friends to spend more time with porn.
I looked for ways to get out of family obligations to connect again with the women on the screen.
I would even avoid physical intimacy with my wife so I could be more available for porn. This undoubtedly sounds crazy to some of you, but to many it may sound all too familiar.
Don’t lose heart though; there is a solution. It may sound simple, but it’s far from easy. In fact, this may be one of the most courageous things you will ever need to do.
The only way to truly overcome loneliness is to allow the real you be known by real people. You must find a safe place (or person) where you can let your true self to be brought into the light and realize you’ll still be loved
Above all else, remember that you’re never truly alone. You have a Creator who already desires to be with the real, honest, messed-up, broken version of you. He’s not waiting for you to clean up your junk or get things under control first. He loves the real you, right now, even in your worst moments.
So the next time you feel lonely, focus on His unconditional love for you. Allowing Him to speak into your heart’s craving for intimacy.
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The post Why Do People Turn To Porn When They’re Lonely? appeared first on XXXchurch.com.
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