My Husband Just Told Me He Looked At Porn

Your husband just confided in you that he looked at porn. I know it must bring up a lot of emotions:

– Betrayal because he didn’t stay faithful to you

– Mistrust because how can you trust him in small or big things if he couldn’t be trusted not to look

– Self-doubt because you think it may have had to do with you not being pretty enough or satisfying enough in the bedroom

– Anger because he didn’t put you above himself and think how his actions could affect you.

These are just a few emotions that may have surfaced for you, and these are normal feelings.

What you do from this point on with those emotions will set the tone for the rest of your marriage. Good, Christ-filled men are trying to do what is right when it comes to lust and their visual nature.

Your husband wants to honor you, but God has wired his brain so differently from a woman’s that it is a constant struggle.

Please take heart that he actually came to you before getting caught—he is trying to honor you and make things right. Your job is NOT to withhold sex from him, to question his integrity in all areas of his life, to play detective or police his every move, to not forgive him and always punish him, to shut down and put up a wall, to think it’s your fault.

Those things make a certain sense emotionally, but they won’t help you or him.

Instead, your job IS to understand his visual nature and encourage him to have accountability with trusted people who will call him out on things, to extend him grace and realize that we all screw up and are selfish, to seek out counseling with him or by yourself, to pray for him, to pray for your marriage, to welcome honest conversations.

If you can openly talk about how hurt you are that he looked at porn, about things in both of you that need work, about what triggers him to look at porn, about taking steps to improve the issues that come up, then you can push through the hard conversations and come out on the other side stronger.

You both love each other and want to work through these things, which is a good thing.

Divorce is not an option, and it never should cross your mind.

Even if this time seems desperate and that it will never pass, divorce is much harder and more painful than this one experience in your relationship. 

You and your husband can get through this and wind up even stronger than you were before. We’ve seen it over and over in the couples we’ve worked with through our ministry. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.

For more information and help on dealing with sexual betrayal visit Recover.org today.

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